Atahualpa Has a Nice Ass

Ancient Empires, Modern Laws, and the Sacred Art of Trolling Bigots

Pour yourself a drink and grab a barstool ‘cause we’re about to talk about how Utah, Cusco, rainbows, and a teacher with a lot of sass collided into a beautiful mess of irony, heritage, and petty rebellion. Also… Atahualpa had a great ass, but we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, there’s this video goin’ around. Teacher in Utah. Tired of the nonsense. The state passed some pearl-clutchy law that bans "political" or "advocacy" symbols in classrooms and government buildings. Because nothing screams freedom quite like telling you what kind of freedom is allowed and in what Pantone shades. “Freedom™: Now in pre-approved bland, with emotions removed for your protection. Void where fabulous.”

This teacher... (and I want to buy her a beer, or at least some decent office supplies) said, “Cool cool cool, I’ve never even had a Pride flag in here before, but know what? If you're gonna be this dumb, I’m here to teach you a lesson!”

Enter Cusco, Peru. And say hello to petty genius on an international level.

Back in ‘78... picture it, disco’s peaking, the Bee Gees are invading dance floors, glitter is practically an atmospheric condition, the mayor of Cusco was like, “You know what we need? A flag. A rainbow flag. But like… for Incas.” And a radio guy named Raúl Montesinos Espejo just went and made one. No archaeological evidence, no dusty scrolls, just vibes, frustration with colonialism, and a whole lotta fabric. The guy basically said, “Screw it, colonizers suck and colors are powerful.” Honestly? Mood.

So Cusco starts flying this seven-color rainbow flag to represent Indigenous pride, cultural identity, and basically 3,000 years of “we’re still here, deal with it.” Meanwhile, a whole ocean away, in the very same year, Gilbert Baker unveils the original eight-color Pride flag in San Francisco. Totally unconnected. Just the universe doing a double rainbow drop-kick into history because disco needed backup.

Both flags? Born of resistance. Born of love. Born of “don’t erase us, dammit.” But from very different places: one climbing out of colonization, the other dancing through a queer revolution.

And let’s talk pettiness again because Cusco eventually added a coat of arms smack dab in the center of their rainbow flag in 2021, just to help folks tell the difference between their not-actually-gay rainbow and the rainbow that actually is gay. Their official statement was basically, “No, this isn’t the Pride flag. But like… even if it was? It still slaps. Stay mad.” Somewhere, a llama probably winked.

Now, zoom back to Utah, present day, where this absolute legend of a teacher decides, “Well hey, let’s learn about Cusco! Geography, culture, history... Totally educational, 100% legit. Oh, and it’s a rainbow... Fancy that!” I mean, the place was literally the heart of the Inca Empire. It’s a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Gateway to Machu Picchu. Basically one giant historical glow-up with llamas. It absolutely should be in the curriculum, right next to the Pythagorean theorem and Manifest Destiny (which, let’s be real, was just colonialism with a dream journal).

Here’s the thing, if a rainbow flag that isn’t even the rainbow flag gives one closeted kid a tiny boost of hope while they’re sitting through algebra? That’s not indoctrination. That’s just a damn good teacher doing the most with what she’s got.

So shoutout to Utah lawmakers for trying to ban symbols of love and somehow managing to boost cultural education, queer visibility, and petty rebellion all in one move. That’s a helluva triple combo. Bigot-powered disco ball. That’s the energy.

Next up, they’ll probably try to ban sunshine. Too warm. Too inclusive. Too hard to regulate.

Anyway, cheers to Cusco, cheers to rainbows, and cheers to the teachers who brought world history, queer resilience, and high-altitude sass into one beautiful, unbanned moment. May her colored pens never run dry.

oh yeah… let’s not ferget those royal buns! Atahualpa wasn’t more than the last Incan emperor; he was the last Incan icon. Spanish historians were too busy writing about gold and betrayal to mention it, but get real: ya don’t lead civilization from the mountains, in a loincloth, without some serious glutes! The man had Incan back that would make Sir Mixalot proud, and that kind of cultural “gravity” pulls history toward it.

That booty? Freekin Revolutionary!